Thursday, October 23, 2014

"what are we going to do?"

"...all of us... we're falling apart!"

this is what my sweet sister-in-law lindsey asked me tonight after she spent over an hour trying to calm her one-month-old baby boy. calvin is her first baby, and she is very much "in the trenches."

but so am i. and she was referring to both of us. even though jason and i have done the whole "baby thing" twice before, the fact that we're doing it with two at the same time now, changes things. and let's face it, do the newborn/baby's-first-year (or five) days ever reeeeally get easy? or even "un-hard?" 

(in case you're unsure of the answer to either of those questions and still mulling it over, i can tell you the answer is "no. no they most absolutely do not." babies are just hard. whether it's your first, second or fourth-with-a-twin.)

we've had a particularly rough past few weeks with our kids. sickness that just won't leave, sleepless nights, chaos. all of the things that make parenting hard. and because i'm still in the thick of "the hard," but past this stage with my older two girls (who are 8 and 4), i felt like i could answer this question. 

after a particularly hard day, i called a friend who has kids a stage or two ahead of my children, and she's also got four kiddos, so when she says she understands, she's telling the truth. she is so good at putting things into perspective and helping me look at the big picture; to when things aren't this hard anymore. 

and that, coupled with some things that have been on my heart lately as the twins get closer and closer to their first birthday, helped me form these words to express to lindsey. she told me to share them on my blog, so i am... i'll probably need to re-read them someday soon (tomorrow), anyway. 


"what are we going to do??!?... we're all falling apart!"

what we're going to do is this:

we will survive.

this part is really exhausting and draining and seems like forever, but we will get through it. and then one day, we'll be done with this stage, and they won't be babies anymore. they'll be 2. just like that. because "the days are long, but the years are short." and then, we'll say, "remember when they were babies? so tiny? i miss that... i want that back!" 

and then we'll have big kids. and then teenagers. and they'll have so much fun growing up together. and then, just like that they'll be all grown up, [and have grown up problems and grown up hurts]. and we'll wish with everything in us they'd let us hold them when they cried, like they did when they were babies. 

i'm so "done" [with the "hardness" of this stage], too. but sometimes, only because i'm on the other side with emma and (almost) rylie, i see how fast it goes. i'm actually freaking out a bit because i feel like the twins' baby days are coming to an end so fast. like this time is closing in on me. and so soon, it'll be gone. just gone. and as tired as i am, that makes me so so sad because i'll never get that back again. 

it's SO hard to believe now because it SUCKS, but i just tell myself, "someday. someday i'll miss THIS." 

and then try to, like, breathe in their skin or hair or something to make me feel a little more fondly toward the thing that has been screaming in my arms for the last hour. :)


if you're a new momma, hang in there. it DOES get better. your feelings are valid, and mostly normal. :) find a momma who can walk with you, through it. that's the way we mommas should be. it's the only way i (or my kids, somedays) have survived: knowing that not only am i not alone, but someone else has done this, i'm not a bad mom AND someone is praying for me and my family. :) 

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